Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
