My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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