Just cropdusted the office
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
