I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
