maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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