when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
