she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
