I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize