Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
