On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
