I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Boobs are out for the taking
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
