so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
