So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
then he tried to convert me to islam
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
