If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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