I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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