i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
