I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i've created a new STD.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
