Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
