he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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