This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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