There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
