I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
