I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
