Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
