I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
