Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
