Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
