good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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