When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Randomize
