Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
