i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
