My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize