You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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