Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
