i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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