I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
