everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
