Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
