Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
