somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
