normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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