textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
