i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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