I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
