At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
