hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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