well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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