Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
