It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
