Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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