I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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