i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm both gender and math confused
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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