I can text with my tongue
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize