In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
