Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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