I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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