it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
