Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
