I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
