she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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