I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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