i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
