I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
