Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize